How Asparagus got it's name - A Kid's Bible Essay - Funny!

A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,

"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!)

Grandma still drives!

Clueless Grandma still drives!  FUNNY!  
 

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

The Lord's Ballgame

Here is a religious email that has been circulating. After the cute Baseball analogy, it proffers:

The Lord explained, 'If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home:

'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9

Psalm 84:11, 'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.'

This seems to play both sides of the long existing debate between predestination and free will. This point is a major difference between Protestant denominations. Calvanists and others believe in predestination and support their belief with verses such as Romans 9 and the Ephesians verse in this email. Most other denominations believe in free will and offer verses such as the famous John 3:16 as proof.

Predestination says God decided before anyone was born who will be saved and go to heaven, and who will be damned and go to hell. Free will states that we have the choice to choose to believe in Jesus (faith) and go to heaven, or not.

What does this email say? First it says you won't get to heaven by faith, only by God's grace. Then it says that if you walk upright, which takes work, God will not withhold any good thing from you, and surely heaven is the greatest good thing!

Which is it? Can we get to heaven by walking upright (living a good life) or can we only get there if God has already decided that He is going to bestow grace on us regardless of how much love, wisdom or faith we have?



The email concludes with:

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'
Phil 4:13

"ALL" things?

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
—Matthew 17:20


Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.
—Matthew 18:18-19

And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen.
—Matthew 21:21

Anyone seen mountains move around lately? Anyone prayed earnestly with a group and discovered your request left undone?

Read more in this article:
Should we take the Bible literally?

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THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.

The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate named 'Love.'

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because 'Love never fails.'

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch.

Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked because he never swings at what Satan throws.

The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His starplayer. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Freddy said, 'He sure doesn't look like much!'

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace.

Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen! But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by.

He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; the roaring crowds went wild as the ball
continued over the fence . . for a home run!

The Lord's team won!

The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith and Godly Wisdom could get on base but couldn't win the game. Freddy answered that he didn't know why.

The Lord explained, 'If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home:

'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9

Psalm 84:11, 'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.'

I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I am nothing, but with him:

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'
Phil 4:13

Good Clean Joke....

Here is a Christian/Computer related joke I recently received in my email. If you are looking for some serious religious reading, please browse our Religious Articles at LookingForClues.com; thanks!


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A little Christian humor

( This is one of the best clean jokes I've seen in awhile!)

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired
of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have
had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and
from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then,
ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the
sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,


"JESUS SAVES"

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Please read our articles on Religion at LookingForClues. Thanks!

Letter from Jesus about Christmas

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are
taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't
actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your
predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually
a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered
anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most
easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children
of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to
celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in
which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get
rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene
on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be
any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be
many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday
tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can
remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you
wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am
in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have
forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my
wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday
is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away
from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I
know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them
personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards
his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that
you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It
will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and
they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birt h,
and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and
remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their
own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since
you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm
smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls
the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a
warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a
'Merry Christmas' that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then
stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money
on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home
with their families.

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary--
especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never
heard My name.

9. Here's a good one: There are individuals and whole families in your
town who not only will have no 'Christmas' tree, but neither will they
have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some
food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other
charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and
loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret
that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions
that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
what I have told you to do. I'll t ake care of all the rest. Check out
the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the
ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with
all those whom you love and remember :

I LOVE YOU,
JESUS


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Please read our articles on Religion at LookingForClues. Thanks!

Jesus is walking the World.

Dear All,

When He gets to your PC please escort Him to the next point of stop. Change the subject line and let your friends know where He is leaving from. Please don't allow Him to sleep on your PC. The message He is carrying is very important and needs to go round. May God bless you as you do this -
AMEN

Jesus is walking the World. Please pass Him on so that He can reach His destination. Say a prayer then pass Him on to bless others. This is really interesting how someone did this. Our assignment is to love and spread the gospel throughout the world. Have a blessed day and touch somebody's life today! I just did. He's walking around the world - via e-mail!! Pass it on so He can get there.

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If you like this email, you will like these articles on LookingForClues:

Traditional vs Modern Churches
A Shuttered Church on Every Corner: The hidden cost of modern worship centers.

Miracles
MIRACLES: DO THEY HAPPEN TODAY?

Pray the Rosary
Finding Joy in Reciting the Rosary

Atheism
THE ATHEIST'S DILEMMA

Faith Communities
FINDING A FAITH COMMUNITY THAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU

Passion of The Christ
TO RELIVE THIS PASSION OF THE CHRIST

Divine Sovereignty
The Joy of Divine Sovereignty

Body Image
Beauty Reclaimed

The Power of Prayer
The Power of Prayer