Thursday, March 24, 2011

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)



Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Growing Up Without a Cell Phone

Growing Up Without a Cell Phone Hysterical,but true.

If you are 40 or older, you might think this is
hilarious if not you may not understand any of it!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five
miles to school every morning....Uphill...
Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of
crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and
how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say
it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've
got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk
all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox,
and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were
10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents
beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my
friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you
wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the
record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning
and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had
tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and
"eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come
undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we
rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a
busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you
left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or
receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with
your "friends". OH MY **GOSH**!!! Think of the
horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And
then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids
have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be
your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your
drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't
know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances,

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the
Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were
no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen..
Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept
getting harder and harder and faster and faster until
you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to
find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to
channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk
over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!
Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only
get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm
saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you
spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play...
all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and
comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw your ass in the
back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got
the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if
she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the
dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot
gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You
guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1970 or any time before!

The Over 40 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile)


A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned.' Then he returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Human Camera

3 MILLION Views On YouTube!

Beautiful Minds: Stephen Wiltshire

Stephen Wiltshire is a star savant artist from London. Stephen is autistic, yet he is able to draw a perfect aerial view of a city after only one helicopter ride. I got this email and checked out the video below and was amazed! I watch a ton of videos and few things amaze me, but this did!


Once you see this, you will be blown away. If you have never seen
this before, you are in for a treat. Some of us wonder what the best
computer is in the world - got to be a brain

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