SEX at 73

SEX AT 73

I just took a

leaflet out of my mailbox,

informing me that I can

have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at

number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home

afterwards.

And

it's the same side of the street.

I don't even have

to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine

message,

"I am not available right now,

but

thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making

some changes in my life.

Please leave a message

after the beep.

If I do not return your

call,

you are one of the

changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had

words, but I didn't get to use

mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to

find your glasses without your

glasses.

~~~~
Blessed are those who can

give without remembering

and take without

forgetting.

~~~~~
The

irony of life is that,

by the time you're old

enough to know your way around,

you're not going

anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before

woman so as to give him time

to think of an answer

for her first question.

~~~~~

I was

always taught to respect my elders,

but it keeps

getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every

morning is the dawn of a new

error.

~~~~~

The quote of the month is

by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out

of control,

mud slides, flooding, severe

thunderstorms

tearing up the country from one end

to another,

and with the threat of bird flu and

terrorist attacks,

are we sure this is a good time

to take

God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before

you expire.

~~~~~

For

those that prefer to think that

God is not watching

over us....

go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us...

pass this on!

The Resurrection, Too Good Not To Pass On!

Here is a quick funny joke that I recently found in my Email Inbox. It may offend some because it plays on a very important religious precept. If you know that you become offended at this kind of humor, please check out another post here, or visit another site. Thanks!

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While the priest was presenting a children's sermon,
He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said,

"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Are You a True Christian?

OH, HOW IMPORTANT TO WALK THE WALK & NOT JUST TALK THE TALK !!!!!!!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Miracle Diet! Drink Beer! Yes, it's a Joke.

This video is over 6 years old, but it is making the rounds via email these days.

Eating Disorders are serious business, but this video pokes fun at fad diets as well as drinking too much.

Is it funny or did they go too far? You decide. Share it with your friends and see what they think of this.

Lose weight with this amazing new diet plan!

("What's my secret? I drink beer!")

Almost 2 Million Views!

The Porch - Very FUNNY Blonde Joke

We're not trying to make fun of Blondes or any other group on this site, just trying to make you smile, maybe chuckle, maybe LOL Laugh Out Loud, maybe groan. Check out this joke I got in my email today, and share it if you like it. Here's another Very FUNNY joke!

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THE PORCH

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.



"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

USMC Best Joke of the Year

This is a very political time in history, and this joke has political overtones.  I am not posting it because I support or don't support the underlying political commentary.  I am posting it because I find it to be amusing!  I like these kind of jokes.  They set you up; you're expecting a certain kind of outcome, but then they get you with a surprise ending.

If you think it's funny, pass it on!  If you like the political message, pass it on!  If you hate it, pass it on and tell your friends why its so bad!

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A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dressed and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

Free Sex

A gas station owner in North Carolina was trying to increase his sales, So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is greeted by Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely in November.

Why Teachers Drink - FUNNY!

Why teachers drink....

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons  A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink  A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed  A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans  A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on  A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections  A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age  A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty  A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes  A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination  A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour  A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)  A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula?  A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean?  A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control   A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'  A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure?  A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?  A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

God Loves Drunk People Too!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here - on the swing set," replied the drunk. 

With Age Comes Wisdom

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. His name is Bill.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,  'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me;  and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?' I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

Grandma still drives!

Clueless Grandma still drives!  FUNNY!  
 

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Husband Down Isle 5

Husband is Down in Isle 5 - FUNNY!  See why his wife knocked him out!  READ ON!




A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

 "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

 "Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He never knew what hit him.

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem'.

'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

"You a gonna try again!" 

Find Sex in this picture!

Japanese Eye Test

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the Corner of your eyes as if you were Japanese. Keep Pulling until your eyes are almost closed...It works. 

Too FUNNY not to pass on! 

The Delivery

The delivery

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's Father.

He asked if they were interested.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced Before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Tyrone's Hearing

I've always been told to be specific when praying. I've also had a feeling that God knows what we mean even if we don't get as specific as we could. But obviously we really do have to get specific when we ask for prayer from others.







Preacher Rod said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed

and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.







After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man. It ain't 'til next week."

This is why I forward jokes

This explains why I forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble...
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl,
and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out,
'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered..
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man.
'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree..

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'



Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact,
you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,
guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today
and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime.

OMG!!! FUNNY PIC!!!

Its that awkward moment when.......



...you realize that your friend's fat arm makes you look naked in the office party photo

Chuckle

This is a quick and funny joke for you all, that I just got in my email inbox yesterday. Enjoy! If you like it, or any other email posted on this site, please share it with your friends on Twitter, FaceBook, Tumblr, etc. Thanks!

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One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow

today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so

the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio

announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will

need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the

snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio

announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must

park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried

look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of

the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to

blondes exhibit, her husband said,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."