SEX at 73

SEX AT 73

I just took a

leaflet out of my mailbox,

informing me that I can

have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at

number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home

afterwards.

And

it's the same side of the street.

I don't even have

to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine

message,

"I am not available right now,

but

thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making

some changes in my life.

Please leave a message

after the beep.

If I do not return your

call,

you are one of the

changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had

words, but I didn't get to use

mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to

find your glasses without your

glasses.

~~~~
Blessed are those who can

give without remembering

and take without

forgetting.

~~~~~
The

irony of life is that,

by the time you're old

enough to know your way around,

you're not going

anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before

woman so as to give him time

to think of an answer

for her first question.

~~~~~

I was

always taught to respect my elders,

but it keeps

getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every

morning is the dawn of a new

error.

~~~~~

The quote of the month is

by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out

of control,

mud slides, flooding, severe

thunderstorms

tearing up the country from one end

to another,

and with the threat of bird flu and

terrorist attacks,

are we sure this is a good time

to take

God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before

you expire.

~~~~~

For

those that prefer to think that

God is not watching

over us....

go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us...

pass this on!

Miracle Diet! Drink Beer! Yes, it's a Joke.

This video is over 6 years old, but it is making the rounds via email these days.

Eating Disorders are serious business, but this video pokes fun at fad diets as well as drinking too much.

Is it funny or did they go too far? You decide. Share it with your friends and see what they think of this.

Lose weight with this amazing new diet plan!

("What's my secret? I drink beer!")

Almost 2 Million Views!

Short Quick Funny Jokes

Here are some quick short jokes for you to send to your friends.  Use the Share Button at the bottom of the post.  ONE of these made me laugh so hard I almost fell off my chair!  Can you guess which one??? SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.   SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.   Poor Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.   Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!   The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".   So True Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed. Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"   EASYJET Bubba calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Bubba replies "Hell I don't know! It's your frig'n plane. "

Free Sex

A gas station owner in North Carolina was trying to increase his sales, So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem'.

'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

"You a gonna try again!" 

Find Sex in this picture!

Japanese Eye Test

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the Corner of your eyes as if you were Japanese. Keep Pulling until your eyes are almost closed...It works. 

Too FUNNY not to pass on! 

How Safe Is Your Neighborhood? UPDATED

http://www.familywatchdog.us/search.asp

When you visit this site you can enter your address and a map will pop up with your house as a small icon of a house. There will be red, blue and green dots surrounding your entire neighborhood. When you click on these dots a picture of a criminal will appear with his or her home address and the description of the crime he or she has committed.

The best thing is that you can show your children these pictures and see how close these people live to your home or school.

This site was developed by John Walsh from Americas Most Wanted. This is another tool we can use to help us keep our kids safe.

Please pass this on to everyone!!!

Click HERE to forward this!