Short Quick Funny Jokes

Here are some quick short jokes for you to send to your friends.  Use the Share Button at the bottom of the post.  ONE of these made me laugh so hard I almost fell off my chair!  Can you guess which one??? SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.   SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.   Poor Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.   Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!   The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".   So True Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed. Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"   EASYJET Bubba calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Bubba replies "Hell I don't know! It's your frig'n plane. "