They Cut My Britches Off - FUNNY Video

This is too good!

They Cut My Britches Off! - Hilarious

In case you do not know him - Mark is a Baptist minister with a funny sense of humor, and a member of Bill Gaither’s team.

Here, Mark tells about having a motorcycle wreck (while not wearing a helmet) and what happened to him afterward.  Acceptable for all ages.

The Porch - Very FUNNY Blonde Joke

We're not trying to make fun of Blondes or any other group on this site, just trying to make you smile, maybe chuckle, maybe LOL Laugh Out Loud, maybe groan. Check out this joke I got in my email today, and share it if you like it. Here's another Very FUNNY joke!

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THE PORCH

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.



"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Quote of the Decade - Obama on Debt

Many emails we receive are filled with misinformation and half truths. However, this one is true. President Obama was a Senator before he improved his pay grade. He said then in a speech, that raising the debt limit indicates leadership failure. He voiced disapproval of the additional 3.5 Trillion Dollars added to the debt in the previous 5 years, from 2001 to 2006, saying that this money was borrowed from government programs, foreign countries and taxpayers.

As it turned out, Senator Obama became President Obama and the debt went from about 10 Trillion Dollars to about 17 Trillion Dollars at the present in 2013. That's a 7 Trillion increase, which is twice the amount Obama made his speech about. Below, you can see the email going around about Obama and the National Debt, titled Quote of the Decade.

After you read the email, check out the entire speech at Snopes. The email excises the first and last paragraphs of the entire speech, which you should read; it will just take 5 minutes. Also at Snopes is Obama's explanation of his change of position on the debt. The National Debt is a complex issue and you can learn more about it by starting with this article on Wikipedia.

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Words can comeback to haunt us.

The Quote of the Decade:

"The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government cannot pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government's reckless fiscal policies. Increasing America's debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that, 'the buck stops here.' Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better."

~ Senator Barack H. Obama, March 2006

Dang, crow must taste good.

Short Quick Funny Jokes

Here are some quick short jokes for you to send to your friends.  Use the Share Button at the bottom of the post.  ONE of these made me laugh so hard I almost fell off my chair!  Can you guess which one??? SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.   SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.   Poor Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.   Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!   The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".   So True Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed. Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"   EASYJET Bubba calls EASYJET to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Bubba replies "Hell I don't know! It's your frig'n plane. "

Facts You May Not Know

FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW....................

;
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears
out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
;
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the
ground for thousands of years .
;
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one
end .
;
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human
body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
;
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of
tobacco-relateddiseases.
;
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
;
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
;
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost
every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
;
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
;
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
unless it's heated above 450F
;
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not
the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the
ear.
;
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
;
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the
hand of man
;
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air
density
;
The University of Alaska spans four time zones
;
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
;
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal
of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
;
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song
Happy Birthday.
;
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
;
A comet's tail always points away from the sun
;
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the
disease it was intended to prevent
;
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that
is why it is found in some medicines.
;
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when
knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
;
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you
can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
;
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost
is Sight .
;
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed ..
;
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside ..
;
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per
hundred grams .
;
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year
;
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust
;
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than
15,000 meters
;
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
;
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they
could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge
down
;
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator
;
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel
are needed at lift-off
;
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
;
And last but not least:
;
This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive
in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on
will have money troubles for the rest of the year
;
Superstitious or not, I passed this along because it is interesting
information.

New Christmas Stamp - Not Really

Here's an email I got a few days ago.  It's about a new Muslim Christmas stamp.  Sounds strange, right? Well here is the email, and then I'll comment.

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They don’t believe in Christ but get their own Christmas stamp. What is happening to us?

BUYING STAMPS?

Don't buy this stamp! It is pretty, but keep reading! Will be available November 1, 2013

President Obama has directed the United States Postal Service to remember and honor the EID Muslim holiday season with a new commemorative 46 Cent First Class Holiday Postage Stamp.

The new stamp is the second MUSLIM stamp, and celebrates a Muslim holiday!

If there is only ONE thing you Forward today, let it be this! REMEMBER to adamantly BOYCOTT this stamp when you purchase stamps anywhere. All you have to say is, "No thank you, I do not want a Muslim stamp on my letters!"

Buy our US flag stamp instead, please!

Pass this along to every Patriotic American you know and get the word out!
Honor the United States of America

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Yes, it's fine to honor the USA.  We have freedom of choice here, so put whatever stamp you like on your cards and letters.  But don't believe what this email says about this particular stamp!

It is a Kaleidoscope Flowers Stamp and you can read all about it on this United States Postal Service web page: http://about.usps.com/news/national-releases/2013/pr13_002.htm. It has nothing to do with any religion.

Snopes says that there is an EID stamp, which celebrates the Muslim holiday of EID and not Christmas, but you have to ask for it since it is generally a specialty item.  Read the snopes article on this email, here: http://www.snopes.com/politics/stamps/eidstamp.asp

Bottom Line - Don't believe everything you get in emails or read on the internet.  Research for yourself and make up your own mind on all issues, large and small.

 

Why TAPS is Played at Funderals

Here is an interesting but probably not exactly factual account of why Taps is played at Military Funerals. For more, see the Wikipedia article on Taps, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taps

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If any of you have ever been to a military funeral in which taps was played; this brings out a new meaning of it.

Here is something Every American should know.
We in the United States    have all heard the haunting song, 'Taps...' It's the song that gives us the lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes.


But, do you know the story behind the song?  If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Elli was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia . The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land.

During the night, Captain Elli heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a   Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment..

When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.

The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted.

The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral.

The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate.
But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician.


The Captain chose a bugler.He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform.
This wish was granted.
The haunting melody, we now know as 'Taps' used at military funerals was born.
The words are:

Day is done.
Gone the sun.
From the lakes 
From the hills.  
From the sky.
All is well.  
Safely rest.  
God is nigh.

Fading light.
Dims the sight.
And a star.
Gems the sky.
Gleaming bright.  
From afar.  
Drawing nigh.  
Falls the night.

Thanks and praise.  
For our days.  
Neath the sun  
Neath the stars.  
Neath the sky
As we go.
This we know. 
God is nigh


I too have felt the chills while listening to 'Taps' but I have never seen all the words to the song until now.I didn't even know there was more than one verse.  I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if you had either so I thought I'd pass it along.
I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before.
Remember Those Lost and Harmed While Serving Their Country.


Also Remember Those Who Have Served And Returned; and for those presently serving in the Armed Forces.


Please send this on after a short prayer.
Make this a Prayer wheel for our soldiers ... please don't break it. 
I didn't!

How Asparagus got it's name - A Kid's Bible Essay - Funny!

A sixth grade child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Here is what he wrote;

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,

"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

(Nothing bad will happen if you don't forward this, but if you do forward this delightful story you'll make someone LAUGH today, and they'll keep spreading the laughter by sending it on!!)

Maxine's Best One Yet!

Here's something that was leading me along one path, but then suddenly became something else! I'm passing it on because I support what it supports, and because I thought the wording was clever.

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 One of Maxine 's very best!!

Minorities

We need to show more sympathy for these people.
*
They travel miles in the heat.
 *
They risk their lives crossing a border.
 *
 They don't get paid enough wages.
*
 They do jobs that others won't do or are afraid to do.
 *
 They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.
*
They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day ~ every day.
 *
 I'm not talking about illegal Mexicans ~ I'm talking about our troops!
Doesn't it seem strange that so many are willing to lavish all kinds of social benefits on illegals, but don't support our troops? Wouldn't it be great if we took the $360,000,000,000 (that's billion) we spend on illegals every year, and spend it on our troops!!!

 Please pass this on; this is worth the short time it takes! A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for any amount, up to and including their life.

And gave me the right to send this to anyone that I darn well please.